In The Beginning

I stand in my own shadow wondering how I got here... How did I end up looking for peace in this way.  I guess I had to look somewhere or loose the last shred of who I really am... or loose the last tear I have to shed... 

I come from chaos... conceived in it... raised in it... and to this day still live in the quietness of it... but chaos all the same.

I was born to teenagers...too young for me and so young that a lie was created to hide my existence.   My mother, although young married my dad, reluctantly, of course, but at the STRONG suggestion of my paternal grandmother.  Ultimately, my mother left my dad and went home to her parents only to manifest the lie that would add to the already tumultuous circumstances... My maternal grandmother felt it would be best to put me up for adoption and convinced my mother this was a good idea... looking back maybe it was the best idea anyone ever had... but i digress.. The problem with this well constructed plan was my mother was still a married woman. My father and his parents did not believe in adoption so this presented a huge problem... so upon my birth... the birth of the lie began... well the death i should say... My mother and her family announced that I had died in child birth.  My dad..sad...his family, sad... but somehow I bet there was a sigh of relief all around.  So what of me... the dead child that was in fact still alive.  Well I was put up for adoption through a not so reputable agency and at the age of 3 weeks.. I was adopted by a sweet wonderful couple.  For the next 2 years they re-named me and raised me as their very own.  But also during those 2 years my paternal grandmother had a dull ache.  Early on she felt something was fishy about my death and began to investigate.... and low and behold her suspensions were right... She found out I was not dead and started the legal proceedings to get me back from my adoptive parents.  Well after 2 years and 3 months she was successful.  I was wisked off to live with my father and his parents... But what of my adoptive parents... the HEARTBREAK they must have felt... as a parent now myself...that must have been unbearable... Later in my life my paternal grandmother gave me a letter that my adoptive mother wrote to her... It was 7 or 8 pages of just basic stuff like what i liked to eat... when i took my nap... and what toys & games I liked... it wasn't what she said it was how she said it... she wrote and wrote.. repeating herself... you could tell when one pen ran out and she started with a new one...when she switched from pen to pencil and even when the led broke... she was crushed...TRULY HEARTBROKEN... and the last line in the letter said it all, "no matter what Jessica Suzanne was very happy with us and her family here".

For the next 16 years of my life I live under the sole custody of my paternal grandparents...what of my father?  Well he became what i fondly call my annoying older brother type... occasionally he would try to assert his father status.. to no avail in my eyes...